Friday, March 27, 2009

Fatherhood Friday: Can't Touch This

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I believe in equality in the household. ShankRabbit usually takes the garbage to the curb, but it's not "his job." I typically put Peanut down at night, but ShankRabbit would do it in a heartbeat.

However, there are certain things I'm just not allowed to do. As you will see by my list, I was put on "limited use" or completely banned from certain things because of my stupidity and/or lack of self-control. Observe:

1. Using the garbage disposal - more specifically, putting potato peels in the garbage disposal. ShankRabbit had to use a pipe snake (or whatever that thing is called) and disconnect the plumbing in an attempt to repair it. It eventually had to be replaced. Now, I throw away 99.9% of food items. I can't take that chance again.

2. Handling the food processor blade - I have managed to slice open my hand not once, but twice, on this evil device. I still haven't figured out how to separate the blade from the white plastic stand without cutting myself. Right now, it is either a) wait for ShankRabbit to do it or b) put on a pair of thick oven mitts and hope for the best. I had a minor panic attack when I found out that the pesto I made the other night required the use of the food processor. Maybe if I learned to chop stuff up like Yan Can Cook I could avoid this appliance.

(Side note: if you ever want to make cheapo-bulk-buy frozen chicken breast taste absolutely esquisite, stuff it with a Neufchatel cheese/basil pesto mixture and bake it. Oh. My. God.)

3. Rice Krispies Cereal - I'm not banned from eating it, just opening the package. Apparently, I have no finesse. I find pouring the cereal from a shredded bag and half-torn box to be a fun challenge - will it go in the bowl or all over the floor?! Oh, the suspense!

4. Making my own cup of coffee - I am fully capable of pouring the coffee and adding sugar and is the ratio of such items that I fail at every time. I cannot walk away with a decent cup of coffee until I've adjusted said ratio at least 4 times - and by that time, it's cold. As a trade for making me the perfect cup of coffee, I painstakingly prepare ShankRabbit's coffee (black, in a mug).

5. Going to Target with money - I think when Peanut was born, the crack dealers Target higher-ups implanted a microchip in me that prevents leaving the premises without walking through the entire store...and finding things that I NEED from the clearance rack in the baby section. Or the office supplies/stationary section. Or the dollar section.

6. Visiting WebMD - ShankRabbit suggested I add this one. I don't know why. WebMD is the only place that confirms my fears about the plethora of life-threatening illnesses I have. He should be thankful that I'm still alive and fighting the good fight.