Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Definitions from a Catholic dictionary

I'm going to bypass an actual "what I've been up to" post, because...well, there is an office/workspace to be cleaned with my name on it. And if I don't clean the space, I can't sew. And I'm so excited about my next projects I literally skipped to the car after purchasing the necessary tools. Fortunately, I could pass the skipping off as "entertaining my daughter" so I didn't look so much like a freak. You know, more than normal.

So, in honor of bypassing a real update, I thought I'd share a little religious humor I found in an old email-

Definitions from a Catholic Dictionary

Amen: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows
Bulletin: Your receipt for attending Mass
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range
Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync
Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical composition is H2OLY
Incense: Holy smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams
Jonah: The original "JAWS" story
Justice: When kids have kids of their own
Kyrie: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and the late parishioners looking for seats
Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot
Recessional Hymn: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand without prompt
Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman
Ushers: the only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew