Friday, March 27, 2009

Fatherhood Friday: Can't Touch This

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I believe in equality in the household. ShankRabbit usually takes the garbage to the curb, but it's not "his job." I typically put Peanut down at night, but ShankRabbit would do it in a heartbeat.

However, there are certain things I'm just not allowed to do. As you will see by my list, I was put on "limited use" or completely banned from certain things because of my stupidity and/or lack of self-control. Observe:

1. Using the garbage disposal - more specifically, putting potato peels in the garbage disposal. ShankRabbit had to use a pipe snake (or whatever that thing is called) and disconnect the plumbing in an attempt to repair it. It eventually had to be replaced. Now, I throw away 99.9% of food items. I can't take that chance again.

2. Handling the food processor blade - I have managed to slice open my hand not once, but twice, on this evil device. I still haven't figured out how to separate the blade from the white plastic stand without cutting myself. Right now, it is either a) wait for ShankRabbit to do it or b) put on a pair of thick oven mitts and hope for the best. I had a minor panic attack when I found out that the pesto I made the other night required the use of the food processor. Maybe if I learned to chop stuff up like Yan Can Cook I could avoid this appliance.


(Side note: if you ever want to make cheapo-bulk-buy frozen chicken breast taste absolutely esquisite, stuff it with a Neufchatel cheese/basil pesto mixture and bake it. Oh. My. God.)

3. Rice Krispies Cereal - I'm not banned from eating it, just opening the package. Apparently, I have no finesse. I find pouring the cereal from a shredded bag and half-torn box to be a fun challenge - will it go in the bowl or all over the floor?! Oh, the suspense!

4. Making my own cup of coffee - I am fully capable of pouring the coffee and adding sugar and milk...it is the ratio of such items that I fail at every time. I cannot walk away with a decent cup of coffee until I've adjusted said ratio at least 4 times - and by that time, it's cold. As a trade for making me the perfect cup of coffee, I painstakingly prepare ShankRabbit's coffee (black, in a mug).

5. Going to Target with money - I think when Peanut was born, the crack dealers Target higher-ups implanted a microchip in me that prevents leaving the premises without walking through the entire store...and finding things that I NEED from the clearance rack in the baby section. Or the office supplies/stationary section. Or the dollar section.

6. Visiting WebMD - ShankRabbit suggested I add this one. I don't know why. WebMD is the only place that confirms my fears about the plethora of life-threatening illnesses I have. He should be thankful that I'm still alive and fighting the good fight.

18 comments:

PJ Mullen said...

I thought I was the only one that liked to play that game with cereal boxes! You should see the looks I get from my wife. I think that is why we keep separate cereals in the house.

Jason said...

We got a food processor for our wedding. I think we used it once..then it was garage sale fodder. I couldn't stand the thing and would rather just cut my food with a knife...

As for the Rice Krispies...ROTFLMAO

Scriptor Senex said...

My partner is also banned from opening cereals and making coffee. I should be banned from opening tins and gardening since both manage to attack me mercilessly but no one cares enough to ban me! Aaahh, poor me!

Call Me Cate said...

Oh, I'm also banned from certain things so I love this post!

The last thing I put down the garbage disposal was part of a broken shot glass. Yeah, that wasn't popular.

Most of my restrictions involve my migraines though - if I have a migraine, no knives, no stove (basically the entire kitchen is off-limits), no climbing up on chairs (which always seems like such a great idea!), no answering the phone.

Bella Daddy said...

Boy did I need THIS today...Kudos ;-)

Andrew's Daddies said...

I am banned from washing dishes and my partner is banned from operating anything electronic.

Otter Thomas said...

I am the same way with cereal boxes or practically anything else that requires opeining. I lose patience and attack the box.

We should probably all be banned from Web MD.

Craig said...

I would have to second the WebMD thing.

MileHighDad said...

Tools of the trade, if I could only be so lucky to be banned from the washing machine!

KWG said...

My dad used to be the one who prevented anyone from putting anything into the garbage disposal. And yet, it always seemed to breakdown every other month...

Mama A is verboden from screwing with her laptop too much. I'm an anal gadget guy and she is constantly asking why doesn't this work or that work?

Argh!

Funny post by the way! Stay away from blades of torture.

WeaselMomma said...

You are a genius! Now burn yourself while cooking and cut yourself while doing dishes, flush your arm to the elbow in the toilet while cleaning. Next thing you know it's easy street here I come!

john said...

ok, what is up with the rice crispies. do they deliberatly put it in a plastic bag that is hard to open. Its amazing that i dont have the same problems with other kinds of cereal, but with those Rice crispies, there all over the counter and the floor. They are snap crackel and poppin all over the floor.

Rob said...

This post is funny as heck. I swore my wife wrote this because I am not sure if she is capable of making her own coffee (LOL) and she loves the $ section at Target which I always complain about when we go to Target together.

Joeprah said...

LOL!! Web MD rules!! This list was a ton of fun. Thanks and stay away from the food processor--that's mans work--ya dig?

Apok said...

We ban each other from Target all the time. But it always calls us back.

Mocha Dad said...

I have the same weakness for Target. I haven't been banned yet, but my time is coming.

New-Dad-blog said...

Ha ha, I'm banned from Web MD too. Last time I went on there I thought I had prostate cancer and early onset Altzhiemrs

21stcenturyman said...

Loved your post today, really funny stuff! My girlfriend and I aren't banned from anything. I think it's because we have both lived on our own so much of our adult life that we had to learn how to do everything ourselves. Even when I was married, I was on the road a lot working in the film business and had to do it all myself. On that note, I won't go near the food processor!